
It’s late, and I’m up and thinking about what it means to be “passionate” about something, specifically something as intuitive (and as visceral) as the act of creation, and something that’s been nagging me a lot the past four or five months is this: is the act of creating something indicative of the passion one feels for it? Or can it exist outside of that? Or, worse, does the constant need to produce, in the form of photographs, collages, posters, installations—whatever—indicate a complete lack of passion for that thing? In the infinite repetition of form, when does the time come when a person turns themselves off? To the pull of desire; to producing for a reason.
I began to take portraits very seriously this year; it wasn’t until October 2011 that I really seriously began to consider what a portrait meant and to begin to try and control the situations it took to produce a good one. It never occurred to me that I might not be passionate about this, as an action (nor do I think I’m not passionate about it), but thinking about it now I’m realizing that there was never any drive to do it, never any compulsion that made it absolutely necessary to produce these objects: I just started to do it because I was feeling the stress of not knowing what my thesis was about or what a thesis really was. It was a weird act of desperation that led me to something that I now do constantly.
It never hit me that what I was doing might not have been a true creative action; I wasn’t saying, “I’m making these images to say something,” I was saying, “I’m making these images to evidence something to say.” What that something was, I didn’t know, and I still don’t. I don’t know if that’s necessarily driven by anything unnameable or if it’s just… doing. Out of fear, stress, or worry. I don’t regret doing what I’m doing and I think that I do it well, and I do think that, in the end, I am passionate about it, but I can’t help but wonder, had I followed a path that was based on something that was meaningful to me, that called to me in a weird way that couldn’t be explained… would it be more meaningful and genuine than essentially reverse engineering the tenor that I was seeking through an act that was largely academic? I didn’t go into things saying, “what is a portrait?” I went into them saying, “how does a portrait begin to get at what I’m trying to ask?” The question that I was looking for was prefaced with a question that didn’t have much bearing on anything.
I should have been a photographer: I said this to a teacher of mine once and meant it, and still mean it, but the photography I cared about, up until this year at least, was more in line with quietude and strangeness than it was about human form: lines on pavement, derelict storefronts and human detritus. Somehow I did a complete 180 and began to not find things that called to me but attempt to produce them under a set of very specific circumstances. And so it’s got me wondering whether or not the things I’ve been doing have been done for the right reason, and if they haven’t, then what that says about me as a creative person; if the rationale behind the portraits has been a sound one. Or if it’s just about learning, and not about saying.
Because when it comes down to it things feel very… academic. “I’m doing a thesis on pathways,” (whatever that means), “I want to look at how information travels, as an idea, in the way people interact with each other and with the information they surround themselves with.” My adviser said the best thing about graphic designers was their self-reflexivity, but I somehow think this is the worst thing: if the best part of design is it’s ability to reflect on a rationale for doing, then doesn’t the doing itself become secondary to that? As such, I can’t help but think that design elides it’s biggest obligation, which is to (along with communicating the idea) give the idea substance and merit: if we’re caught up in creating a language with which to frame the thing we’re saying, doesn’t that thing become less… substantial?
I asked: “what is a portrait?” And the answer I received was: “break down the portrait into it’s components, investigate it, reassemble it, and comment on it. The language which you employ as commentary will give you your answer.” Or: put away your passion until you’re far enough away from it, and then re-inject it as something more objective. Make it about you, but don’t. Be everything and nothing. And all of this dismantling leaves me wondering if what I’m trying to say is getting so broken apart in the process (or was so broken apart in the first place) that to undertake the dismantling of it is to make it worthless in the process. 
I’m looking for something, but the act of looking pushes it further away. And I just keep looking and looking.




































